"Fungah! Foiled again!"

I uncovered in a particularly obtuse article, once, criticizing Super Mario RPG: The Legend of the Seven Stars for its aesthetic. It argued that Miyamoto's decision to deviate from Donkey Kong Country's faux-3D when building Yoshi's Island had cheerfully been trivialized a short time afterwards by the Nintendo-Squaresoft relic. Frankly, it doesn't make much sense to me.

I wonder constantly if I'm a nostalgist - I try and look back as objectively as I can, even when criticizing such train wrecks as the Final Fantasy series or George Lucas. That being said, none of my objectivity can really stand in the way of how damned amazing Super Mario RPG is. During another session of melancholy on my parents' couch and while flipping through the Virtual Console I plugged in the SNES classic as a quick distraction. Hours later, I found myself working through the Forest Maze to stomp on an anthropomorphic longbow. At a certain point, nostalgia can only drive you so far - I have yet, for instance, been "nostalgic" enough to pick up and replay a Final Fantasy game (especially the PSX-era goliaths) - and yet I got sucked so deep into SMRPG I could barely extricate myself.

In a fit of curiosity I've played a bunch of Mario RPGs since - but some of the charm is missing. The hand-holding gets pretty nauseating, too - I would wager more time is spent learning how to play Bowser's Inside Story than is actually spent playing it. That star-sprite makes Navi look about as micromanaging as an absentee father. The Legend of the Seven Stars is the definite answer to the "what if... the makers of Final Fantasy designed a Mario game" question. The game itself is self-aware and even self-deprecating. The aesthetic is marvelously twisted - Mario jumps on some pretty gnarled-looking bad guys in a series that exclusively anthropomorphized mushrooms and turtles. The game boasts probably some of the best enemy design next to Amano's unearthly concept art (I mean check out this rogues gallery, really). The Squaresoft staple for treasure chests is replaced by floating, chest-shaped "?" boxes in a splendid little marrying of art styles.

The writing still makes me smile today. Maybe in a genre continuum supersaturated with tropes a game plot built more for comic relief than drama is a breath of fresh air. Mallow the cloud's insistence that he is, in fact, a frog and his shock at discovering he is, in fact, a cloud, is hilarious. Whether its Mario constantly being praised or lampooned for his appearance ("How about a fat lip to go with that ugly mustache!?"), the minigames and silliness throughout Booster's Tower, or being smuggled into Nimbus Castle as a sculpture routinely appraised by Nimbus Land aristocracy, the game is constantly enjoyable. SMRPG is one of the most whimsical little gems out there - and it plays fast, its mechanics as stream-lined as Chrono Trigger's, requiring a minimum of grinding and leveling to advance with an absurdly low level cap of 30.

I actually introduced the game to Cam, who'd never played, and he was mesmerized by its charm.

Playing as a late-20s layabout grants you a little more perspective, too. You tend to appreciate minute degrees of sophistication in the content. The Legend of the Seven Stars is a game about a world of cartoon-violence where the status quo is upset by an invasion of real-world weaponry. You have to wonder at the madness of the planning sessions that must have gone behind this bizarre joining of RPG-mechanics and platforming whimsy:

"We should have Mario be able to equip a real weapon! Or Peach, even!"

"Are you out of your god damn minds."

"Geno will have gun hands and shoot bullets!"

"If by 'gun-hands' you mean 'wand-hands' that shoot 'stars'."

It's amusing that during the collaboration both teams would have settled on Mario's universe fighting off an army of generic JRPG tropes in its genre debut. I could actually sophist my way through this in a ponderous, asshole kind of way but I'll just cite a conversation I had with Cameron about this very topic: 

Cameron Morris

...this is a Hephaestus-looking sumbitch right here

Andrew MacInnis

Yeah the monsters in Mario RPG are menacing, conceptually

Cameron Morris

Pardon me for a bit while I beat this game

Andrew MacInnis

Enjoy the best final boss music ever written

Cameron Morris

I dunno about that but he may have been the scariest boss design of all time

Andrew MacInnis

Yeah he's monstrous

Cameron Morris

Like... if that game had been aorund when I was 5 or 6 I don't know that I could have even played against that background, much less Smithy himself

Andrew MacInnis

I dunno if you read that article I linked you too, but he's also symbolically even MORE monstrous, taken in context

Cameron Morris

Article???

Andrew MacInnis

Gimme a sec

http://gameological.com/2013/10/to-the-bitter-end-super-mario-rpg/

Check this, then let's talk about Smithy

Cameron Morris

Interestingly I disagree with this article by the end of the second paragraph. Or the beginning

That ending sums up pretty much the whole thing: every character in the game, including the dead bosses, put on a merry parade as one last show, and they hope you liked it

Andrew MacInnis

How so

Cameron Morris

That's how so

Mario RPG isn't real. It's just another show that the cast puts on for you.

If we want to talk in a textual sense, the only time Mario and the gang are "real" is when they're riding go-karts or playing sports together

Every other game in the series is just performance. It's why the universe is literally god damn destroyed in Super Mario Galaxy (really) and then Mario Galaxy 2 pretends the first game never happened

Andrew MacInnis

Rewind the clock back to when SMRPG came out though - this concept may have been retconned (not that finding narrative in the Mario universe should ever really be a priority), but the game is a framed as an interruption to what was portrayed as their "real" lives

A world of cartoon violence invaded by real weapons from another dimension

Cameron Morris

In a way that sort of makes sense

Or would, if the real weapons weren't all googly-eyed and incapable of hurting people

Andrew MacInnis

True, this isn't "Watchmen", but hey it's still an interesting concept

Cameron Morris

Smithy's an interesting one, though

Andrew MacInnis

The weapons may be googly-eyed but when else do you see Axes, or Bows and Arrows?

Cameron Morris

Because he very plainly does want to take all good nad magic out of the world and replace it with weapons.

Axes? You kill Bowser with one in the first game

Andrew MacInnis

And then you have Smithy, a kind of Haephastus who is a *maker* of weapons

You don't kill bowser with an axe, you use an axe to cut a drawbridge to drop him into a lava pit like it was a dunk tank at the county fair

Cameron Morris

Details

Are we reading too much into a game about a plumber and turtle-king teaming up to beat up a giant sword-with-eyes? Absolutely. Is it fun despite this? Absolutely. It may be presumptuous to take The Legend of the Seven Stars as an early deconstruction of the Mario-game model (that it would occur during a dramatic shift in game mechanics only makes even more sense). That behind the eternal, vaudevillian platforming struggle between Mario and Bowser lies an average day in a world of RPG mechanics is both meta and in itself a parody of the meta-narrative. 

That being said, let's take a step back from all the symbolism and the the bimbolism and just enjoy the hell out of the game for being a game. The music is stupendous, uplifting, and atmospheric (Koji Kondo and Uematsu for the win). The enemies frolic about on screen - in gorgeous, clay-model environments - and are dispatched via a quick and simple button-oriented battle system. Timed-hits engage the players, while simplistic strategy is plumbed from how to layer your attacks and dispatch groups of enemies more expediently (combining magic attack-all spells and hard-hitting singlle strikes). The story is deeper than you would presume but fun either way. All the enemies are hilariously characterized and moving from location to location on the world map is a joy. 

Speaking of enemies...

"I JUST WANT MY HOUSE BACK!"

That despite his late induction into your party Bowser still manages to steal the damn show is a subject that makes me wonder if at one point he was not originally intended to be the game's protagonist. While this in itself doesn't seem to be a novel concept it still hasn't been done yet - even Bowser's Inside Story only ladles the koopa king half of a spotlight and spends most of the plot ridiculing him, anyway. Bowser in Super Mario RPG though is both fascinating and entertaining - absolutely narcissistic and confrontational throughout, he sees himself as the protagonist after all is said and done. The game could just as easily opened up in Bowser's castle, have him kicked out, and spend the rest of the game stomping around the Mushroom Kingdom, trying to get his castle back, inadvertently sharing mutual goals with and recruiting a bunch of do-goodnicks and even his worst enemy along the way. That this would undoubtedly lead to Bowser being wrongfully (and unwillingly) perceived as a "hero" by the kingdom and even his "sidekicks" would have been a laughable sort of role inversion.  

"I'm gonna do something I may regret later...! But I'm gonna let you join the Koopa Troop. You can thank me later..."

Frankly, there's little point to characterizing Mario (it's why his whiny, taller, cowardly brother gets so much more fan love). He's the hero - the plot may revolve around him, but that certainly doesn't make him interesting. SMRPG recognizes this, making Mario out to be a silent protagonist and showcasing his interaction with townsfolk, baddies, comrades, using him as the means by which to characterize them.

"Here I was, thinking of a plan to get my castle back, and all of a sudden, Mario walks up to me and BEGS me to let him join the Koopa Troop! I had no choice BUT to let him in! It was so pathetic!"

That being said, Bowser still ends up being the more relatable character. By constantly running into him and his foiled attempts to take back his castle and bearing witness to the overly emotional encounters with his lieutenants and footsoldiers, the entire "find the princess" story is hurriedly shoved aside by a far more entertaining character-study. Frankly, even the overarching quest to recover the 8 humdrums to rebuild the plot road is made far less interesting than Bowser's personal quest to regain to right the steal the princess himself.

"Hold it! I only joined so I could get my castle back. I'm not gonna be dragged along on this stupid hunt. This is as far as I go. I'm gonna gather my troops and rebuild my castle! And YOU, Mario! You're an official member of the Koopa Troop! It's your duty to help with the repairs!"

Frankly, here's an idea for the next Mario RPG - Bowser gets evicted from his keep by the Mushroom Kingdom's health inspector for not keeping his home "up to code". 

"Magikoopa! I've said it a dozen times - I want that leak in the basement fixed!" (referring obviously to a boiling sea of lava)

"But your lugubriousness, we've already blown our budget on trying to coral that herd of magma-snakes that infested the west wing! We'll have to wait until the next fiscal year, if we can recoup our losses from that volcanic eruption..."

"GEEZ!"

The inspector, quite obviously, should be an old, mustachio'd Toad (the equivalent to finding out Hitler's art instructor was Jewish) flanked by expendable, traumatize ensigns fewer in number the deeper they explore Bowser's "house". That Bowser somehow can't "out-bad" royal bureaucracy winds him up tromping around trying to find another hideout (or alternatively searching for Plot MacGuffins to conduct the needed repairs). He could recruit shmoes along the way, tour a round-a-trope of villainous lairs from Missile Silos to Haunted Mansions and Dungeons, wind up saving the world by accident and granted a royal writ of propriety from the Princess as thanks. I want to play it already and it's not even real. 

It's a real shame Nintendo and Squaresoft haven't paired up to make another game. Not only has it deprived the Mario world of some awesome characters (Geno the star-knight-turned-doll, Mallow the cloud, Johnathan Jones the best pirate ever designed... raise your hand if you hoped he became a party member), but also that tongue-in-cheek brand of humour and self-awareness that could only come out of a smashing-together of genres. That being said, who knows if Square-Enix would even be up to the task these days - Mario would probably wind up jumping around in a leather suit covered with belts and zippers and Luigi would grow angel wings. All the easter eggs and tasty little hidden-away bits of dialogue (like Mario enjoying the fruits of his suite and inadvertently working as a bellhop at the Marrymore Inn) remind me of what used to make Square games so charming. The Shadow-Relm controversy from FF6, the squirreled away dating simulator in FF7... its a reminder that RPGs despite their big fat stories were still originally meant to be played, and even plot-heavy games like FF7 didn't take themselves too seriously. 

All this talk about Mario makes me want to immediately bust into how much I enjoy the new Super Mario 3-D World game, but I think it's best to let that one simmer for a bit. Besides, I still need to beat Culex, our resident Dark Knight of Vanda.